Myths And Facts About Step-Parenting
Many adults today were exposed to the images of the "Brady Bunch" decades ago, and have consequently developed stereotypes of what step-families should look like. There are many myths surrounding the step-family experience that often lead people to feel frustrated and anxious about their own family situation.
Myth #1: "Remarrying will help me get on with my life."
While building new relationships after divorce can help an individual gain support and companionship, the commitment of remarriage should not be rushed. Very often, immediately after divorce, people have many unresolved emotional issues to face. These issues often cause people to feel vulnerable and insecure. Thus, they often grab on to new relationships before they are ready. A better strategy is to attempt to work through the guilt, anger, loss or other issue on your own before making another lifelong commitment.
Myth #2: "After the wedding, there will be instant love and family togetherness."
The wedding only symbolizes the beginning of a long process of developing a shared history and identity. Love and trust also do not happen overnight and may take two to five years to develop. In some step-families, these bonds may never develop.
Myth #3: "The children will experience a 'normal' traditional family life when we get married."
A step-family is neither better nor worse than a traditional family, but it is definitely different than a traditional family. The boundaries of the relationships are more ambiguous, and many family members are often confused about family membership. Roles are, thus, not as clearly defined in the step-family. The fact that stepparents and stepchildren can often be very close in age also increases the complexity of the family structure.
Usually, a step-family will need to coordinate schedules and vacations with members of the first family. Children in step-families often need more emotional space than children in traditional families so that they may move between families without feeling disloyal.
Children Adjusting To Step Families
Children often experience emotional up's and down's during a parent's remarriage, especially if it the parent with whom they live. These children often worry about the many new changes that will take place after the marriage:
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"Will I have to share my things with the new kids?"
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"Will we still do the things we've always done?"
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"What if they have a baby? Will I be forgotten?"
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"Will Mom get upset if I like my new step-mom?"
Many uncomfortable feelings may accompany these thoughts including anxiety, betrayal, and a sense of loss. Most kids have never given up the fantasy that their parents would one day get back together. The new marriage may be experienced like a slap of reality.
Do's And Dont's For New Step Parents
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DON'T insist that the child call you "Mom" or "Dad."
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DO let the child decide what to call you.
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DON'T attempt to achieve super-human qualities to win the love of your stepchild or to impress the ex-spouse.
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DO what you do best and shine in those areas.
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DON'T take over the special rituals of the absent parent.
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DO develop new rituals of your own.
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DON'T assume authority instantly.
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DO let your new relationship with your stepchild develop first before stepping into a discipline role.
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DON'T deny that conflicts or problems exist.
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DO try to keep your expectations realistic and your lines of communication open.
Additional Reading
For Parents:
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Clapp, G. (1992). Divorce and New Beginnings: An Authoritative Guide to Recovery and Growth, Solo Parenting, and Step Families. New York: John Wiley and Sons, Inc.
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Einstein, E. (1982). The Step-family: Living and Learning. New York: Macmillan.
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Visher, E. & Visher, J. (1982). How to Win as a Step-family. New York: December Books.
For Kids:
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Berman, C. (1982). "What Am I Doing in a Step-Family? Secaucus, NJ: Lyle Stuart. [Ages 6-10]
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Craven, L. (1982). Step-families: New Patterns of Harmony. New York: Simon & Schuster. [Ages 11+]
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Getzoff, A. & McClenahan, C. (1984). Step Kids: A Survival Guide for Teenagers in Step-families. New York: Walker.
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