Parenting Teens
Teens have their own agenda. And it usually does not coincide with their parents'.
Teens Strive For:
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Establishing their own sense of identity (usually as different from their parents as possible)
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Being cool
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Being different and unique, yet similar to every other teenager
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Being noticed, but not embarrassed
Parent's Agenda:
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To impress upon their kids that people with blue hair rarely get meaningful jobs
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To keep their teen on track
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To keep their teen safe and out of trouble
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To help their teen 'make it' in today's society
Frequently, parents see behavior that leads them to believe that their children are headed in the wrong direction, and they catastrophize: "If my daughter is smoking today, tomorrow she will be using heroin," "If my son has a nose ring, no one will take him seriously and he'll end up a bum on the streets..." In response to these thoughts, parents often over react to what is usually experimental exploration.
When it comes to a teen's self-expression, it is most important to PICK YOUR BATTLES. On one hand, teens must be able to win a few or they will become resentful and sneaky. Parents, on the other hand, need to have a sense of control over their children. If your kid is getting straight A's and has blue hair - who cares?
Weigh the pro's and con's of the situation. Discuss what "responsible choices" means and what your expectations are. Validate your teen's struggle for individuation and arm them with appropriate coping skills for the rough road ahead. If road gets too bumpy, consider professional family therapy.
Discipline Issues
The concept of "discipline" is broader than most people think. "Discipline" comes from the word "disciple" and, thus, underscores the teaching aspect of parenting. Discipline, of course, includes stopping misbehavior, but it also includes improving self-esteem and increasing pro-social behavior. Therefore, it it imperative that discipline strategies balance "stick" approaches (punishment) with "carrot" approaches (incentives). You cannot use "stick" alone or you will just increase anger and rebelliousness. Show interest in your teen's passions, give them encouragement when they are struggling with school and friendships, catch them being good.
Preventing parenting problems takes more effort in the short-run, but pays off in the long-run. Define limits and rules clearly. Follow through on your directives. Hold regular "gripe sessions" when teens can voice their opinions.
Dealing With Attitude
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Any teenagers express themselves by "getting an attitude": rolling their eyes, sighing heavily, sarcasm, dirty looks. Usually, this behavior is just one way of communicating their opinions and setting themselves apart from others. They are trying to establish their own identity. The same tactics are used with peers and other adults. Here are some suggestions on what to do:
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Remember this is part of their development - it is usually a temporary phase that WILL pass, so, again pick your battles.
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Self-Observe - are you modeling this behavior? Are you indirectly reinforcing it with lots of negative attention?
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Discuss the behavior with your teen - give examples of when it happens and how it makes you feel.
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Ignore your teen when "attitude" present - Say "If you want to be heard, you have to pay attention to how you look and sound. Come back to me when you are able to discuss it without the tone or the look"
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Give consequences - if previous interventions are unsuccessful.
Additional Reading
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Fleming, D. (1989). How to Stop the Battle with Your Teenager: A Practical Guide to Solving Everyday Problems. New York: Simon & Schuster.
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McMahon, T. (1996). Teen Tips: A Practical Survival Guide for Parents with Kids 11 to 19. New York: Pocket Books.
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Nelson, J. & Lott, L. (1994). Positive Discipline for Teenagers. Rocklin, CA: Prima PuAblishing.
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Rosemond, J. K. (1991). Parent Power! A Common-Sense Approach to Parenting in the 90's and Beyond. Kansas City: Andrews and McMeel.
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Windell, J. (1991). Discipline: A Sourcebook of 50 Failsafe Techniques for Parents. New York: Macmillian Publishing Company.
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