Marital Conflict
Conflict occurs in every marriage. What often distinguishes a happier marriage from a less happy marriage is how the conflict is resolved. Some couples never actually resolve conflict. Instead, the conflict just seems to go away with time; however, it is certainly somewhere under the surface breeding resentment and will usually come up again in the future.
Some couples insist they have no conflicts. In this case, one person is usually giving in to the other and not complaining about it; however, the person giving in will usually have problems at some point, such as depression or anxiety. There are many other ways that couples handle conflicts, some healthy and some not. If couples can learn to resolve conflicts in a healthy way, conflict becomes easier to deal with and the marriage becomes stronger and happier.
Conflict occurs when two people believe that their current desires, aspirations, interests, etc. cannot be achieved simultaneously. Conflict involves apparent, but not always actual opposition, between two people.
Resolution of conflict involves talking (not verbal or physical force) and cooperation (not avoidance, competition, antagonism, or coercion). The outcome of conflict resolution is a solution that is acceptable to all parties and that addresses all their concerns.
The most productive atmosphere for conflict resolution includes the following elements:
1. An attitude of respect toward other person
2. An attitude of trust that the other will cooperate with you (cooperation breeds trust)
3. Flexibility when considering solutions
The steps to conflict resolution include:
1. Initial positions of each person are expressed (what they want)
2. Underlying concerns of each person are looked at (fears, preferences, feelings, etc.)
3. A mutually satisfying solution is selected These steps need to be gone through in order. Trying to come up with a solution too soon can lead to power struggles.
Communications Skills
Adequate communication skills are essential to good conflict resolution. Four basic skills that can vastly improve communication are: * Saying what you want in an open, straightforward manner.
This is the opposite of passive communication, which consists of saying nothing, saying what you don't want, or asking a question instead of making a statement. It is also the opposite of aggressive communication, which includes complaints, criticism, and blaming.
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Active listening.
This involves a ) focusing on what the other person is saying (not what you're going to say next), b) focusing on what makes sense about what they're saying (not what is wrong with it), c) giving the other person feedback that you have received their message (nodding, paraphrasing, saying "I understand," etc.)
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Equal air time.
Each person should participate equally or at least feel that they have had adequate time to express their side of the conflict issue.
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Summarizing points made.
Summarizing your position, your partner's position, and the underlying concerns of each can be helpful in organizing the issues and making sure you are both clear about all aspects of the conflict.
Often people see the value in these communication skills and steps to conflict resolution; however, they have difficulty implementing them at the time of a conflict. This difficulty is due to behavior patterns that have become automatic and often stem from conflict resolution patterns learned from your own family-of-origin. The new skills can be learned, although they will take some time and effort. Additionally, psychotherapy can be useful in helping you break out of your old conflict patterns and learn some more effective ones.
Improving Your Marriage
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Use the conflict resolution steps and communication skills previously.
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Keep in mind that satisfactory solutions to conflict can almost always be found, although it may not look like it at first.
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Remember to be flexible, respectful, and cooperative with your partner.
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De-escalate yourself (cool down) before discussing highly-charged issues (e.g., postpone discussion for an hour).
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Try to be aware of your moods or things that are bothering you so that you don't take them out on your partner.
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Empathize with and validate your partner by trying to see things the way they see them and responding to what they are going through. Sometimes couples get stuck in a rut or face a conflict they feel is beyond resolution.
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Clarify the vision of your relationship by reviewing both of your priorities.
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Complement each other often.
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Schedule dates at least once a week without children or other distractions.
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Surpize each other with romantic notes and gestures.
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Getting professional help improve conflict resolution skills may be necessary.
Additional Reading
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A Couple's Guide to Communication by Gottman, Notarius, Gonso & Markman.
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You Just Don't Understand: Women and Men in Conversation. by Deborah Tannen.
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Passage to Intimacy. by Lori Gordon.
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Fighting for Your Marriage. Markman, et al.
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From Conflict to Resolution: Skills and Strategies or Individual, Couple, and Family Therapy. By Susan M. Heitler.
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