Marital Affairs
Why Do People Have Affairs?
Why do people have affairs? The answer is often very complex. According to Peggy Vaughan, author of "The Monogamy Myth," there are three different forces that work together to drive an individual to make the choices to be unfaithful to their partner. First, there are forces within the unfaithful individual the pull them toward affairs. These forces include a powerful attraction (e.g., sex, companionship), the novelty of a new person, the excitement of risk-taking, and curiosity.
Second, there are forces that push individuals toward affairs such as the desire to escape a painful or boring relationship, the desire to punish one's current partner, and the need to prove one's attractiveness. Finally, there are societal forces that are at work that make people vulnerable to affairs. You're more likely to have an affair if one of your parents had an affair. Especially, if it was never deal with directly. In our culture we are bombarded by images of the glamour and excitement of the affair. Most people find it difficult to talk honestly about sex, and often find that secrecy and deception make sex more exciting in the short-run.
"No one is immune from an affair," claims Vaughan. Many people don't think that it will happen to them, but it is estimated that 60 percent of men and 40 percent of women will have an extramarital affair. By contrast, most people believe that monogamy is important in marriage and they never intended to have an affair. Some people see affairs as being caused by "sexual addiction." A sex addict is defined as a person is dependent on sexual acts and whose identity is defined by them. Peggy Vaughn believes that sexual addiction is an overly simplified explanation of why affairs occur. Furthermore people who label themselves as "sexaholics" may believe that any attempt to change would be futile. Rather it is more helpful to look at the underlying motives for the behavior and the consequences when trying to get a perspective on why it is occurring.
A couple will not avoid an affair by simply promising monogamy or by making threats as to what they would do if it happened. These paths lead to a cycle of dishonesty. By contrast, if the couple makes a commitment to honesty, and realize that attractions to others are likely, the chances of acting on that attraction decreases. By creating a sense of closeness, a couple replaces suspicion with trust.
Confronting Affair
Most people struggle with their suspicions long before they confront an affair. The possibility of this level of betrayal is often so frightening that people tend to ignore the obvious in hopes that it will just go away. Most people will go to great lengths to rationalize or suppress the evidence in their own mind. The first signals of an affair are usually very subtle, a sense that something is different: pulling away, changes in normal patterns, or comments that are "out of character."
If you're having many on-going conversations in your own head about your suspicions of an affair, you're probably not having enough conversations with the person you should be talking to ú your partner. It is doubtful that a couple can keep something like an affair hidden for the rest of their lives without terrible strain. Allow yourself to be vulnerable, and you give permission for your partner to be vulnerable too. Silence and storming will inevitably lead to defensiveness and increased anger. You shouldn't wrap your experience in candy coating, but by creating a scene you may not get your points across in an effective way. You should also be aware that once you decide to confront your partner you may not be able to feel satisfied before you stop. It may take months or years to sort out your feelings and why it occurred.
Before you initiate your confrontation, write down your questions and ask yourself ú will answers clear the air or stir the hive. What do I really need to know? How much information is too much? What do I want to achieve? Keep your focus on the relationship and not on the lover.
Beyond Infidelity: Can The Relationship Be Saved?
Can a couple survive infidelity? Yes, if each of you accepts an appropriate amount of responsibility. If you choose to recommit to the relationship, you may in time see the affair as an alarm to what was wrong in your relationship. Part of the difficulty in reclaiming a long-term relationship is the myth that "true love" is "romantic love." Romantic love is the first wonderful stage of love, but does not last forever. Lasting love emerges from a deeper knowledge of yourself and your partner.* Re-discover each other. The qualities you like and dislike about your partner are frequently flip sides of the same characteristics. People are often drawn to what is underdeveloped in themselves. What do you give each other that you value most?
-
Identifying the life events that led to the affair may help you prevent it from happening again. Discuss in a non-accusatory way how these factors precipitated the affair.
-
Trust must be earned by specific changes in behavior. The unfaithful partner needs to demonstrate through bold actions, "I am committed to you." The hurt partner must give the partner a road map back into his/her life. The hurt partner cannot punish forever.
-
Discuss the affair with your children at whatever level they can understand. You can help them avoid similar mistakes in their own lives. Talk about yourself, not about your partner. Let them see your pain and your hope for the future.
-
Couples therapy is available at Nicoletti-Flater Associates., PLLP.
Additional Reading
-
Susan Heitler, The Power of Two: Secrets to a Strong and Loving Marriage
-
Harriet Goldhor Lerner, The Dance of Intimacy: A Women's Guide to Courageous Acts of Change in Key Relationships
-
Clifford Notarius & Howard Markman We Can Work it Out: Making Sense of Marital Conflict.
-
Janis Abram Spring, After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding the Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful. Harper.
-
Peggy Vaughan (1998). The Monogamy Myth.
|
