Grief And Loss
Grief is a process following an important loss during which thoughts and feelings are experienced internally. In contrast, mourning is the external expression of that grief. Many people grieve without mourning and, thus, do not receive the support and comfort of others. People are often misguided by others and told to, "carry on" with their lives before they are ready. Grief is viewed as something to "get over" rather than something to experience.
The grieving process is very different for each individual. There is no set progression in the grieving process, no one way to mourn. People may even experiencing conflicting thoughts and feelings simultaneously. The following reactions are some of the experiences a grieving person may have:
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Denial
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Shock
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Reactive Depression
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Uncontrollable crying
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Panic
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Confusion
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Fear
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Self-blame
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Self-pity
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Anger
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Remorse
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Physical Ailments
Grief becomes pathologic when symptoms of major depression emerge. If, after several months, the individual is still experiencing extreme emotional distress, you may consider professional guidance.
Many people find that talking out their thoughts and feelings is helpful. Usually, they begin to experience a healing integration when they share their memories and stories again and again with different people. Nevertheless, there are individual and cultural differences in the ways that people deal with their loss. Friends and family should try to support the grieving person to help them to reconcile the new reality of their life and move forward.
Children And Mourning
Children of all ages experience loss even though they may lack the verbal skills necessary to express their feelings and fears. It is therefore necessary for parents and guardians to evaluate the children's non-verbal or behavioral actions.
On one hand, children may lack any emotional expression to the traumatic incident and go about their daily lives as if nothing had happened. On the other hand, children may develop new fears, mood swings, separation anxiety, nightmares, regressive patterns of behavior, and/or school problems.
To help children cope with their losses, families should try to foster an atmosphere of safety and support. Specifically, the child's normal daily routine should be maintained as much a possible. Encourage your children to talk, draw, or write about the incident and be supportive of their feelings. Reassure the children and let them know that they are safe. Read the children stories about grief and loss.
How To Help Someone Who Is Grieving
People often feel helpless when someone they know is mourning a loss. Here are some suggestions:
1. Make contact and take action.
Help out with practical matters (e.g. child care, house sitting), send a card, attend the funeral.
2. You do not have to take their pain away.
3. Listen.
Very often this is the best support you can offer. Be available when they are ready to talk and resist giving advice.
4. Do not minimize the loss.
Comparing losses and giving "chin up" advice does little to comfort the grieving person.
5. Do not avoid saying the word "death" or the deceased's name.
Your special memory will let the grieving person know how the deceased touched other's lives.
6. Encourage positive coping strategies.
Help the person find constructive ways of expressing their grief. Discourage them from attempting to escape the pain with alcohol and other drugs.
7. Take care of yourself.
Many times the support system for the grieving person is also grieving themselves. Make sure that you don't entirely neglect your own needs for the sake of another's.
Additional Reading
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Bouvard, M. The Path Through Grief. Portland, Oregon: Breiten Bush Press.
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Colgrove, M., Bloomfield, H., & McWilliams, P. (1977). How to Survive the Loss of a Love: Fifty-Eight Things to Do When There is Nothing to Be Done. New York: Bantam Books.
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Miller, J. (1978). The Healing Power of Grief. Crossroad Books, Seabury Press.
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Tanner, I. J. (1976). The Gift of Grief: Healing and the Pain of Everyday Losses. Hawthorn Books.
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