Children's Self Esteem
As a parent, or anyone who comes into contact with children, you have the ability to affect children's self-esteem. Your attitudes, actions, and communications toward your child give messages about how you feel about your child. Because a great deal of what children learn about themselves comes from how they are treated by others, the messages you send your child will influence how your child sees him- or herself. If the messages contain respect, love, and understanding, then your child will learn to incorporate these feelings into his or her own self-concept. If the messages are negative, disrespectful, and intolerant, then your child will come to feel these ways about him- or herself.
If you feel that your child has a poor self-image, the good news is that it is never too late to enhance self-esteem. Children are quite flexible and adaptable, and they can respond fairly quickly to positive messages which will increase their self-esteem. Even if you feel your child has high self-esteem, it is still a good idea to be aware of how you affect your child's view of him- or herself and to understand how you can continue to enhance it.
One important fact to remember when thinking about self-esteem is that the way you treat your child is the way your child will treat her- or himself. For example, if you treat you child with respect, your child will respect her- or himself. The same idea applies to unconditional love, trust, empathy, confidence, interest, etc. The way you communicate with your child is important in showing how you feel about her or him. For example, communication that builds self-esteem includes emphatic responses to your child ("I understand that you are frustrated..."), discussion of feelings (you child's and your own), paying attention, showing interest, and sharing.
Another fact to remember is that you are an example to your child. If you set a positive example by loving and caring for yourself, your child will learn to do this for him- or herself. Additionally, you need to be "real" with your child. Being "real" means being honest, vulnerable (sharing feelings), willing to learn from your child, by sharing your dreams and sorrows. It means admitting when you do not know something. Show your child he/she is special by reminding him/her daily, by making a special "date" with your child, and by being playful.
Problem Solving With Self Esteem
One important consideration when building self-esteem is to avoid physical or verbal violence with your child. Violence leads to violence and often results in the child's loss of trust and a fear of making mistakes. It can also lead to a loss of connection between those involved in the violence. If your child becomes used to using violence in conflict situations, she/he will not develop creative problem-solving skills. Instead or yelling or spanking, practice conflict resolution with your child. When a conflict arises, try these positive actions: (1) set an agenda for your discussion of the problem, (2) believe in resolution, (3) let everyone speak, (4) empathize and do not give advice or opinions, (5) be honest with your feelings, (6) use "I" statements rather than "you" statements, and (7) start and end with something positive. Using good communication and conflict resolution practices will assure that your child will feel comfortable approaching you with problems
and will learn to communicate and solve problems appropriately.
Bookstores have many good books in their parenting sections that you can utilize. Additionally, therapy sessions can be beneficial for helping to change patterns in families and relationships, and you may wish to take advantage of this for you and your child.
Techniques To Improve Your Child's Self Esteem
-
Highlight an Everyday Moment. Don't wait for something praiseworthy in order to give your child encouragement. Use the small, easy-to-ignore parts of the day to boost their ego.
-
Build Self-Confidence. Don't overwhelm your child with encouraging comments about his/her potential, when he/she is feeling discouraged. Rather give your child a sense of success by providing honest, constructive feedback and by helping them remember past achievements.
-
Remember, improvement comes from encouragement, not criticism. Try to offer limited portions of advice. Watch for small steps that may lead to big accomplishments. Don't forget about your child's attitude and intentions when trying to build self-esteem.
-
Enjoy who your child is. Give unconditional praise such as, "It's great to see you," or "You make me smile."
-
Appreciate your child's help. Your child may then begin to recognize and value his/her ability to cooperate, and learn to acknowledge this ability in others.
Additional Reading
-
Canfield, J. & Hansen, M. (1993) Chicken Soup for the Soul: 101 Stories to Open the Heart and Rekindle the Spirit. Deerfield, FL: Health Communications.
-
Espeland, P. & Wallner, R. (1991). Making the Most of Today. Minneapolis: Free Spirit Press.
-
Kaufman, G. & Raphael, L. (1990) Stick Up for Yourself! Every Kid's Guide to Personal Power and Positive Self-Esteem. New York: Henry Holt.
-
Loomans, D. (1994) Full Esteem Ahead. Tiburon, CA: H.J. Kramer, Inc.
-
Palmer, P. & Froehner, M. (1989) Teen Esteem. San Luis Obispo, CA: Impact Publishers.
-
Satir, V. (1975). Self-Esteem. Milbrae, CA: Celestial Arts.
|
