Children And Divorce
Children's overt reactions to the initial news of their parent's divorce vary greatly; however, clinical studies indicate that their underlying feelings are somewhat similar:
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Sadness
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Anxiety
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Anger
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Rejection
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Powerlessness
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Betrayal
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Guilt
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Fear of Abandonment
Children often show some change in their behavior after separation occurs. These changes are often symptoms of the distress inside them. Try to allay their fears as much a possible by assuring them of your continued love and attempting to resume some structure and stability in day-to-day life. Get them to express their feelings more directly either through discussions, journals, or - if the child is a preschooler through stories and drawings. Give your child relevant reading about divorce.
Involving children in outside activities will help them gain social support and distractions from the conflict at home. Support groups are often helpful in letting children know that they are not the only ones going through this experience.
Often children's self-esteem suffers during divorce. They may temporarily regress to earlier developmental stages and exhibit problematic behavior patterns. Parenting skills need to be consistent and appropriate. Setting limits, following through, and giving praise for the positive behaviors will help your child get on track. If not, you may consider professional counseling for your family.
Parenting Part-Time: Tips For The Non-Custodial Parent
Children's adjustment to divorce is improved by a healthy relationship with BOTH parents. Non custodial parents continue to play an important role in their children's lives even though they may no longer be present for all the day-to-day happenings. When children know that both parents still love them, it helps them to deal with the turmoil in their lives.
Attempt to make your children feel at home while visiting you. Don't treat them like guests. Give them a space to put their belongings. Display things that they have made. Keep their favorite foods on hand. Keep some of their clothes with you so that they will have to carry less back and forth.
Establish routines and rules for your home when your children come to visit. The stability and structure will be comforting to them. Never undermine the other parent's rules and try to agree on basic rules like bedtime and homework. If other routines differ explain clearly that different homes have different ways of doing things.
How Do We Tell The Children?
When a couple decides that they are going to divorce, one of the most difficult tasks is figuring out when and how to tell the children. In an attempt to avoid their own discomfort with this issue, many parents delay telling the kids until it becomes damaging.
Parents attempt to rationalize their behavior by saying that the children are too young to understand or that "what they don't know won't hurt them." The fact is, children should be made aware of what is going on as soon as a definite decision has been made regarding the separation. With some advance notice, children can have some time to work through their reactions to this adjustment.
Even very young children should be given some information about what is happening in a manner that is appropriate to their developmental level. Children are less fragile than many adults anticipate. The secretiveness surrounding the parents behavior is often more frightening than the truth.
It is a good idea to have all the children and both parents present when the initial announcement is made. This approach will reinforce to the children that both parents will be around to provide support and may lessen the chance that children will feel abandoned. Telling the children together provides a sense of closeness and decreases the probability of a "grapevine" effect occurring as the children compare stories.
Finally, parents should be appropriately truthful with their children when describing the basic reasons for the divorce. The adults' lives do not need to be an open book, but children have a right to know what is going on without deceit.
Additional Reading
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Clapp, G. (1992). Divorce and New Beginnings:New York: John Wiley & Sons, Inc.
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Gregg, C. (1995), Single Fatherhood. New York: Sulzburger & Graham Publishing, LTD
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Windell. J. (1991) Discipline: A Sourcebook of 50 Failsafe Techniques for Parents. New York: Macmillian Publishing Company.
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