Assertiveness Reaction To Trauma
Assertiveness is the ability to express yourself while not violating another's rights. When people act assertively, they often feel self-confident, and they earn the respect of others. Assertive people are clear about their needs and rights.
Basic Rights of All People
1. The right to set your own goals and priorities in life.
2. The right to be treated with dignity and respect.
3. The right to have and express your own values, beliefs, and opinions.
4. The right to state to others how you want to be treated.
5. The right to change your opinion.
6. The right to say "no" without guilt or harassment.
7. The right to emotionally fulfilling and satisfying relationships.
8. The right to ask for clarification if you don't understand something.
9. The right to be heard and taken seriously.
10. The right to choose not to assert yourself in all situations.
A non-assertive person avoids conflict at all costs. They often find themselves being tugged around by other people's demands. They do not take the initiative to act for themselves because they often believe that their needs are less important.
Non-assertive people are often very afraid of rejection or disapproval. Other times people choose to be non-assertive because they are concerned that the other person might become violent. Sometimes non-assertive individuals are worried about hurting the other person's feelings.
Assertiveness Is Different Than Aggressiveness
Assertive behavior is not the same thing as aggressive behavior. Aggressive behavior means that an individual is getting their needs met, BUT at the expense of another person. Aggressive people may express themselves openly and directly, but they often hurt or humiliate others in the process. Passive-aggression usually involves more subtle manipulation and sabotage.
Aggressive behavior causes the recipient to feel resentful or embarrassed. In the moment the aggressive person may feel self-righteous and powerful, but these feelings may be short-lived, especially when the recipient starts to pull away or become vengeful. Example of aggressiveness: "You've got a lot of nerve interrupting me at a time like this! You've always got something to complain about."
Becoming A More Effective Person
1. Making eye contact. Relaxed, steady, and direct eye contact communicates interest and sincerity. Glaring or staring too intently, however, may make the other person feel uncomfortable.
2. Body Language. Stand up straight and face the other person directly. Use accentuating gestures to add emphasis. Make sure your facial expression matches your message.
3. Voice Power. Use your tone, inflection, and volume to communicate that you should be taken seriously without intimidation. Slow your speech to a even tempo.
4. Listening. Give the other person your full attention. Summarize and reflect back the message you have heard.
5. Learn to say "no." Set appropriate limits for yourself.
6. Avoid "You-messages." Example: "You're a jerk!" "You're so moody."
7. Figure out who owns the problem. You don't need to take on other people's problems as if they were your own.
8. Confront conflict with win-win solutions. Learn to negotiate and compromise.
9. Set realistic short- and long-term goals for yourself. Clarify your values and objectives.
10. Take control of your life. Stop destructive patterns of behavior.
Additional Reading
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Adams, L. (1979) Effectiveness Training for Women. Perigee Books: New York
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Alberti, R. & Emmons, M. (1990). Your Perfect Right. Impact Publishers: San Luis Obsipo, CA
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Bloom, L. Z., Cobrun, K. & Pearlman, J. (1975). The New Assertive Woman. Dell Publishing: New York.
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Lange, A. & Jakubowski, (1978). The Assertive Option. Research Press: Champaign, IL
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